I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We left the knife in your bed.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
