I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
