I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
