: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
