I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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