You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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