Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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