Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
