Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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