I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I still have a little drunk in my system
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
