what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
