ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
