Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
