i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
