my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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