There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
