yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
His hands were made for my vagina.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
