In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
