Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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