Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
