We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
