Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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