he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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