the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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