So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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