I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
