Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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