It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
