So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
