I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
