is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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