I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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