My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
