In America we eat man semen.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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