3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i think i have two assholes
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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