Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Randomize
