I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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