I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
