I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
