Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
