are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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