If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Randomize
