FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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