You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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