he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
