pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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