I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
