when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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