Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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