you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
The Olympian is in my bed
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
