When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
