Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Randomize
