It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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