Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
50% drunk capacity currently
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
